| Home
FAQ'sla
search reunion ireland |
Frequently
Asked Questions Don't see the answer to your question here? Contact us and we'll be happy to try to answer your questions. Should
the past not be left in the past? What
about skeletons in the closet? Whether you are dealing with adoption or not, the need to know one’s origins is now widely acknowledged. We need look no further than the RTÉ programme “Who Do You Think You Are?” or the National Library’s provision of assistance to the descendents of Irish emigrants who come to research their family tree. For adopted people this need to know one’s roots is even further amplified. As for skeletons, again, there is no conceivable reason for adopted people to be treated in this area. As we all know from “Who Do You Think You Are?” that most families have “skeletons” in the closet and most families learn to deal with it and move on. Don’t forget, adoption doesn’t only affect the adopted person’s sense of history and heritage; it also affects the children of adopted people and each subsequent generation. What
is a de-facto adoption? A de-facto adoption is a pre-1952 adoption, i.e. the adopted person was technically fostered as the adoption occurred before the 1952 Adoption Act came into law. People in this situation can access their full identifying information because their adoption occurred outside the restrictive legislation. Is
an illegal adoption a de-facto adoption? No. An illegal adoption is not a de-facto adoption, though the Adoption Board and adoption agencies often refer to illegal adoptions in this manner. An illegal adoption is where the child was registered as the natural child of the adoptive parents. This is a serious offence and should not be watered down by using misleading language like “de-facto”. Weren’t
times were different back then? Should
we not make allowances? Separating
mother and child is never a natural thing to do, no matter what social
or economic pressures are involved.
Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and
usually these problems can be addressed.
In a rare number of occasions, usually for the child’s safety,
it is necessary to remove a child from his/her mother’s care.
However this shouldn’t justify permanently cutting the child
off from other members of his/her natural family.
Shockingly, separation of mother and child is still happening
today, except the separation is occurring in developing countries.
History is repeating itself and sadly, far too few people recognise
this. The faceless natural
mother of the developing world has no voice and her child has no say in
whether he/she is adopted or not. Times
may have changed in Ireland, but we are happy enough to inflict the same
cruelty on vulnerable women and children of the developing world today. What
about a natural mother’s right to privacy?
In
our experience most natural mothers are happy to have contact with their
son/daughter lost to adoption. There
are of course some instances where natural mothers decide they cannot
bring themselves to have contact. The
difficulty involved in revisiting the pain of losing a child cannot be
underestimated however, the child and adult adopted person’s need to
know their origins and sometimes more urgent medical needs must come
first. The adopted person
is the only one who had absolutely no choice in their adoption and this
can never be forgotten. If
a natural mother feels she cannot bring herself to meet her son or
daughter, regardless of that there is a moral obligation to provide as
much information as possible to the adopted person, both medical and
otherwise. In our
experience, in the majority of cases where the natural mother does not
want contact, the adopted person will usually go on to have a very
positive relationship with other members of the natural family. What
about the guarantee of anonymity that was given to natural mothers? Natural
mothers were never guaranteed anonymity and despite many requests to
church run adoption agencies, no signed confidentiality agreement or
guarantee of anonymity has ever been produced.
In fact, in reality, natural mothers were forced to sign
documents in which they swore (sometimes in front of a priest) to never
seek out their children. Technically
speaking, anonymity could never have been guaranteed as all births are a
matter of public record. Whatever
assumption there may have been of anonymity is completely unfounded. What
if the natural mother is afraid of her son or daughter knocking on her
door? It
is very rare for an adopted person to knock on the door of their natural
mother. The adopted person
will have meticulously conducted a search, in the hope of connecting
with their natural mother and common sense would tell most people that
knocking on the door with this sort of news would give anyone a shock.
So, most opt to write a discreet letter that only the natural
mother will understand, so that even if someone else opens the letter it
just looks like an old friend getting in touch. People
who have no experience of adoption will mostly form their opinions based
on what they see in television and film.
Because most portrayals of adoption reunions and searches are
either exaggerated or inaccurate in order to “make good television”,
it is often assumed that adopted people will knock on a door or sit
outside a house in a car. The
reality is that this couldn’t be further from the truth and as we have
said, adopted people want to pave the way for the best possible outcome
in a reunion and common sense would tell anyone that a careful
considered approach Are
you anti-adoption? Adoption
Rights Alliance is anti-unethical adoption, in other words,
adoptions that have been conducted without the child’s best interests
at heart. We also strongly
oppose closed secret adoption, as it is not child centred and has proven
to be very unhealthy for the adopted child and for adult adopted people. There is no argument that children who genuinely need
a home outside their own family and community should be offered the
stability they deserve. However,
this stability should not come at the heavy price of losing your name,
family, culture and community. Don’t
babies adapt quickly and forget they are adopted? It
is often widely assumed that babies are a “clean slate” and if a
person didn’t know they were adopted, they’d never know any
different. The reality
couldn’t be further from the truth.
In fact, people who discover they are adopted late in life often
say that they always knew something wasn’t quite right.
That is not to say that these people can’t or don’t have good
relationships with their adoptive families – not at all.
No matter how happy an adopted person is within their adoptive
family, it won’t mean that they don’t feel the gap left by being
removed from their natural family. We
are living in an era that increasingly recognises the intelligence and
sentience of foetuses and infants.
For example, we recently came across research demonstrating that
infants cry in the accent of their mother tongue.
Other research shows how unborn children enjoy music and mothers
are encouraged to read to the baby in their womb and speak to them.
For some reason, research such as this seems to be thrown out the
window when it comes to adoption and it is assumed that the adopted
infant is deaf, dumb, mute and devoid of emotion. My
adopted son/daughter has no interest in reunion. Not all gay people want to join the army, however that doesn't mean that the option shouldn't be there for those who do. In the same way, while not all adopted people are ready to trace at 18 years old, that does not mean that they should not be afforded this right. We should add that if adoptions (assuming the adoption is absolutely necessary in the first place) were open, there would be no need for such speculation about whether adopted people should or shouldn't trace. While
some adopted people don’t express an interest in seeking their natural
families, we often find that this changes when the adopted person gets
older (usually in their late 20’s).
Also, when an adopted person becomes a parent, they soon realise
that their adoption does not just affect them but their children and
grandchildren and all future generations. If
a small number of adopted people choose not to trace, it is not a good
enough reason to withhold records.
It is also worth nothing that we have often been approached by
the adult children of living and deceased adopted people, who want to
trace their natural family. We
have also been contacted by the spouses of adopted people who are
concerned about the lack of medical information and family history for
their children. My
adopted son/daughter has no interest in reunion – how can I convince
him/her it is a good idea? Each
adopted person is different and there isn’t any set of rules to
determine when or how interest in their natural family will occur.
Remember, just because the adopted person says nothing or says
they have no interest, that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true.
Many adopted people feel a big sense of loyalty towards their
adoptive parents and are afraid to tell them they want to trace for fear
of hurting them. If
you are an adoptive parent and you believe that your adopted
son/daughter is not tracing out of loyalty to you, we recommend that you
reassure your son/daughter and ensure that you leave whatever paperwork
they might need lying around the house so it’s easy for them to find
without having to ask you. This
is especially important for intercountry adoptions because the tracing
process is quite difficult from that side.
It is not unusual for adopted people to want to keep their
adoptive and natural families completely separate as the thought of
bringing the two together is too difficult, so you should bear this in
mind. How
do you know how adopted children are feeling? We
know how adopted children are feeling because we grew up as adopted
children ourselves and know the full range of feelings involved.
When we were children there was nobody there to speak up for us,
however this does not have to be the case today.
We are the adult voice of the adopted child today and this is why
we speak up. My
partner and I cannot have our own children and we are planning to adopt
from overseas. Is this a
good idea? While
we sympathise with couples that are unable to conceive, we would urge
you to think again before adopting from overseas.
Intercountry adoption is rife with corruption because of the
supply and demand situation that has developed over the years. Many of the children who are supposedly available for
adoption have actually been stolen.
By removing children from the developing world, you remove the
country’s lifeblood, its future, its hope.
Vietnam for example does not even have a domestic adoption
department. These children do not even stand a chance of being raised in
their own country under the present system.
We know from the now adult Irish children sent to the US, from
the now adult Korean children and others sent to the US that they deeply
feel the loss of heritage, culture and family. Remember,
adoption is supposed to be about finding homes for children, not
children for homes.
As hard
as it may be for you to hear, it is not the job of a vulnerable child to
fulfil your needs. Moreover,
adoptive parenting is not the same as ordinary parenting.
Children who have been taken from their natural mothers are
grieving and this grief can manifest itself in many different ways.
For insights into the world of the adopted child we recommend
that you read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier, who is actually an
adoptive mother herself. There
are thousands of children in the Irish foster care system who are crying
out for loving homes. If
you want to offer a child a home, we would strongly urge you to consider
long term fostering as an alternative to adoption.
|
